A Parent’s Guide to Surviving Middle School - The Atlantic

Oct 31, 2024

A phase of life to be not just endured, but enjoyed

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For the nine years that I was a middle-school principal, the fact of my job was often a punch line. “Better you than me,” “You’re brave,” and “Bless your heart” were among the many offers of condolence I would receive. Middle school is typically seen as something to be endured, a necessary if unfortunate way station on the road to adulthood.

Middle school gets a bad rap—probably because many of us carry our own painful memories from that tumultuous time. (I know I do.) Metamorphosis is never easy, and early adolescence is a time of rapid and staggering change—second only to infancy. Middle schoolers undergo a transformation that’s physical, cognitive, and social. Physically, their bodies are growing at unpredictable rates, leading to some clumsy moments—spilling drinks or tripping over their own feet because they haven’t quite adjusted to their longer limbs. Cognitively, they’re transitioning from concrete to abstract thinking. In English class, some students might read Animal Farm as an allegory for Stalinism, while others see it as a story about talking animals. Socially, they are hyperaware of their place in a group and are constantly trying on new identities as a result.

In the same hallway, you might see a student who looks 9 walking next to one who looks 19. One carries a cartoon lunchbox; the other is shaving. This period of change can be disorienting for kids and their parents. One moment, your child wants to curl up on your lap, and the next, they’re slamming the door, shouting, “You don’t know anything!”

Although the middle-school years—typically ages 11 to 14—have always been challenging, they have gotten more so. Middle schoolers are now contending with phones and social media, which have taken the already complex social dynamics of this age group and introduced a volatile cocktail of public scorekeeping in the form of “likes” and comments, blurred lines between what’s private and public, and an expansive and sometimes treacherous terrain lacking adult oversight—all without fully developed frontal lobes. Add in an upsurge in adolescent anxiety and depression, and the degree of difficulty is not for the faint of heart.

So, what is a parent to do? My own three children are now young adults, but I can easily conjure up the disequilibrium of their middle-school years. Drawing on my decades working with middle-school students, my own parenting experience, and contemporary research, I’ve gathered 10 practical tips for today’s middle-school parent.

1. There’s No Such Thing as Normal. Adolescent development is neither linear nor predictable. Every child follows their own timeline—physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They can’t help this. Middle schoolers have been described as popcorn kernels. They’ll pop eventually—it’s just hard to know when. And they are acutely conscious of the ways in which they are ahead—or behind. Boys who hit puberty early tend to be more self-confident. Girls, the opposite. Regardless, remember that your child is spending a lot of time wondering if they are “normal.” A vital part of a parent’s job is to help them to feel like they are. To this end, avoid comparing your child’s growth with that of their peers or even their siblings. They’ll do this on their own. Instead, reassure them: “You’re exactly as tall as you’re supposed to be right now.” 2. Don’t Get on the Roller Coaster.

Middle school is full of highs and lows. One day is thrilling, the next a catastrophe. Friends are devoted one moment, distant the next. An adolescent often wonders why the world seems to be conspiring against them. If parents aren’t careful, they can find themselves riding these emotional ups and downs alongside their child. This can be the result of watching one’s child struggle or the awakening of long-buried injuries from one’s own middle-school years. Regardless, parents are most helpful to their children when they resist the pull of the roller coaster. A parent’s job is to stay on the ground, providing stability and perspective when the ride slows down. As I’ve previously written, parents should be like a lighthouse—steady and reliable. 3. Anchor With Routines. My 17-year-old daughter does her homework at the dining-room table. At 9 p.m., my wife or I deliver her six chicken nuggets, a second dinner that she welcomes when she’s hitting her evening stride. She loves not having to ask for them. Routines offer a much-needed sense of predictability in an unpredictable world. These don’t have to be elaborate. A consistent family meal, a daily check-in about school, or reading together on Sunday mornings can ground a young person when the rest of their life feels profoundly in flux. Knowing what to expect—at least some of the time—is a source of stability and comfort. Teens can bridle against routine in the moment. But these practices often become more important over time, and they can be grounding for everyone. 4. Remember That They Are Watching You.

We are models for our children, whether we like it or not. They notice our every move. Our actions, even more than our words, shape who they’ll become. It is worth asking Who am I when I am with my children? Do I treat people with respect, even if I disagree with them? Do I run stop signs? Do I berate waiters if they screw up my order? Do I answer texts during dinner? Parents who speak critically about their children’s classmates—or their teachers, their coaches, or other parents—have kids who learn to be judgmental. Parents who are kind and empathetic are much more likely to have kind and empathetic kids themselves. Part of adolescence is finding fault with one’s parents—this is inevitable. Yet we don’t need to hasten this with our own bad behavior. Adolescents are quick to spot hypocrisy—if they see inconsistency in what we say and do, we risk losing their trust. 5. Challenge the “Everyone Else” Myth. When your child says “But everyone else is allowed to sleep with their phone,” remember, “everyone” may in fact be one person. Or zero people. Don’t abandon your principles based on your child’s assertion of other families’ norms. Even if your child really is the last one allowed to do something that their friends are already doing, stand by your values, and trust that you’re making the right decision for your child. 6. More Limits Online, More Freedom IRL. One of the great mysteries of modern parenting is why so many parents have radically restricted their children’s freedom in the physical world while giving them free rein in the virtual one. Our kids spend too much time staring at screens. (According to recent research cited by The New York Times, today’s average adolescent will eventually spend 17 years of their life online.) It makes them less physically fit, more anxious, less focused, more isolated. Slowing down their exposure to technology is one of the best things you can do for their long-term well-being. Send them outside instead. 7. Don’t Interview for Pain. If your child is having a hard time with their friends, don’t ask “So did they do anything mean today?” Instead, interview for competence and resilience. Ask “What’s something great that happened today?” If they do bring you a concern, ask neutral questions that neither escalate nor minimize it. Be responsive rather than leading. This means not proactively probing for emotional injuries—but rather reinforcing that you trust your child to navigate day-to-day difficulties, and that you are there to listen. 8. Befriend Your School.

A teacher will never know a student in the same way as their parent, who has years of history with their child. Educators do, however, have a distinct advantage when it comes to understanding a young person. A veteran eighth-grade teacher has spent time with thousands of 14-year-olds. They know what they’ll find funny, what will energize them, what can help put them at ease. And they know what’s in the range of normal behavior. If your child is struggling, reaching out to the school can help put these struggles in context. Ideally, home and school can collaborate on a path forward, one that draws on the unique insights that each party brings. Parents may not always realize that it is particularly important to communicate with the school when there’s been a disruption at home—a sick relative, a family trauma, a lost job. Schools can be better partners to parents, and can better support children, when they have more information. The home-school partnership is strengthened when both parties assume good intent, and take the time to check things out before leaping to conclusions. One of my favorite lines to share with parents is: “If you believe half of what they tell you about us, we’ll believe half of what they tell us about you.” Adolescents are wonderful. And they’re not always reliable reporters. When my daughter was in eighth grade, I came to check on her after dinner. “Would you mind picking up the wet towel on your floor?” I asked. As I left her room, I heard her get back on the phone with her friend. “Sorry,” she said. “My dad was just screaming at me.” Adolescents are prone to hyperbole. Or, as I sometimes lovingly tell an upset parent who wonders if I know what happened in sixth grade today: “No, and neither do you.” 9. Don’t Go It Alone. Keep in touch with other parents, who can provide moral support, wisdom, and much-needed perspective. The group WhatsApp may be overwhelming and sometimes absurd, but other parents are a crucial source of information. They can tell you whether that party is actually chaperoned, or what’s needed for the upcoming field trip. Your child will also benefit from having a range of adults in their life. They certainly learn from the way they watch their friends’ parents interact with their friends. And they themselves will form important bonds with other parents, especially those they’ve known throughout their childhood. Sometimes, the parent of one of their friends can provide a listening ear when your child isn’t ready to talk to you. You may prefer to be your child’s confidant of choice, but knowing that your child may seek counsel from another trusted adult is typically preferable to them seeking it from their peers. 10. Enjoy Your Middle Schooler. While they are sometimes maddening, middle schoolers can also be delightful. They are often funny, earnest, and passionate. If you maintain your sense of humor and perspective, you’ll be able to enjoy a remarkable stage of human development. Embrace this time—they’ll be cool high schoolers before you know it. Parenting a middle schooler is a balancing act. You have to be able to provide stability and safety while allowing them the space to figure things out on their own. No parent is able to heed all of the above advice all of the time (myself included). Still, if you can stay grounded, keep perspective, and remember that no phase lasts forever, you’ll find plenty of joy along the way.